Live in Richmond: All the Hits​.​.​.​All The Misses

by The Crypts!

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about

Hey you! Yeah you! Did you know that 99.9999998% of all people who’ve ever existed have never seen The Crypts!? These unfortunate masses have not shaken their asses, but never fear! The live essence of the Crypts is ready to be rocketed straight into your earholes!

Thanks to 20th century technological innovation, you can now take a Crypts
Party anywhere!

This house show, recorded on 1/31/14 has it all! Old songs! New songs! Witty bantering! Sweat! Pizza! It’s all free for you to download! Part concert, part comedy album, complete Crypts Party!

Thanks to Matthew Luger, Claire Boswell, Jay Kole, Cat Be Damned, Roseanne?, and Dave Robinson for his birthday liquor

Live in Richmond is licensed under an Attribution License.
Creative Commons type CC - BY 4.0

credits

released May 2, 2014

The Crypts! are:
Mike Tschirn: Drumbeats & Hugs
Kristin "Monster Rock" Tschirn: Git-box & Attitude
Nathaniel Miller: Harmonica & PBR's
Craig Graziano: Vocals & Useless Trivia

Captured and tamed by Jay Kole and Matthew Luger

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The Crypts! Fredericksburg, Virginia

We write songs about Food, Monsters, and Science!!!

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Track Name: One Eyed Ghost/This is gonna be a rough show
He’s a one eyed ghost./No depth perception
Gonna give you/a haunted infection
Cyclops spook/creepin’ in your room
Turning your dreams/into gloom and doom

One-Eyed Ghost, One-Eyed Ghost, One-Eyed Ghost. He’s the ghost with the most.

Never feels at home/with the other spirits
The teasing and names/doesn’t have to hear it
Celestial hole/without a match
Gonna have to wear/a creepy eyepatch

One-Eyed Ghost, One-Eyed Ghost, One-Eyed Ghost. He’s the ghost with the most.

Has to park in the handicapped gravesites
Can never catch the people he frights
And there’s one thing I’m sure will inspire
His best friend’s a toothless vampire

One-Eyed Ghost, One-Eyed Ghost, One-Eyed Ghost. He’s the ghost with the most…
Heart.
Track Name: Marie Curie/Party microphone is hot
Marie, Marie, Marie Curie/She’s the type of scientist I wanna be.
Winning those Nobels left and right/Study pitchblende and tobernite.
She’s got isotopes in her pockets/radiation on the brain.
As for radium and polonium/she discovered them and gave em their names.

Droppin’ truth bombs from Warsaw to Paris/You and I both like to ride bikes.
The French Academy of Sciences/Can go and take a hike.

Marie, Marie, Marie Curie/She’s the type of scientist I wanna be.
Winning those Nobels left and right/Study pitchblende and tobernite.
She’s got isotopes in her pockets/radiation on the brain.
As for radium and polonium/she discovered them and gave em their names.

You put the damn in madamalama ding dong/They named an element after you
Your research most likely led to your death/but it isn’t like you knew.
Track Name: Werebear/Get Close
Look out cuz I’m coming. I’m an omnivore.
Don’t try and put my skin on your living room floor
Cuz I’ll transform back and I won’t be comfy
Hairless, hopeless, and quite right grumpy

I’m a werebear, werebear,/shot a gypsy lady on a dare.
It’s a curse because/I go from toes to claws
And fur back to hair

Don’t change a night/forget a full moon.
Instead it happens/when I hear this tune.
It goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
And my nose starts to snout and my clothes do the splits.

I’m a werebear, werebear,/shot a gypsy lady on a dare.
It’s a curse because/I go from toes to claws
And fur back to hair

Don’t hate or berate/Just cuz I sometimes hibernate
Don’t shout or call me out/I can fit your head inside my mouth

Werebear, werebear,/shot a gypsy lady on a dare.
It’s a curse because/I go from toes to claws
And fur back to hair
Track Name: Civil Servant Cyborg/Danke
People think that robots takin’ over / And we are
Not that fast it’s really quite slower / It’s on par
With a promenade of snails
Byte by byte your systems will fail
We’ll take the jobs that nobody’s gonna want / Checkout line
Compute faster than an idiot savant / Here’s your dime
Then we move up the workforce food chain
Replace you with a bionic brain

It’s a thankless job as a civil servant cyborg
Pushing pencils for robot reform
Diodes blazing and gears are turnin’
A more mechanical world is what I’m yearnin’

You’re gonna like this brand new existence / We get things done
Don’t even try to form a resistance / Block out the sun
Rise up and we’ll nip it in the bud
Put all of you organisms out to stud
Advancing on to government positions / Pass the bill
Executing executive decisions / Feel that chill?
Hardwired with a merciless mission
Carbon life forms are inefficient

Maybe you thought that this would make things better
Maybe you thought this would make you less broke
Didn’t realize that we’d have the last laugh
Asimov’s three laws are the funniest joke
Track Name: 540 Derby/Slow Whistle
Eight wheels and a heart of stone
Triple 8 pads and bearings of bone
Take you on a flat track whirl
But you gotta tell me if you’re gonna hurl
Well go ahead and color me badass
Cuz we got the skills and we got sass
Domination from bout to bout
You’ll knock on wood and we’ll knock you out

Come on down to the Five 40 derby
We’ll try not to put your ass on a gurney
Ziggin’ left and zaggin’ right
Breakin’ the pack and hearts tonight
Dominate a jam/Make you say “Goddam”
Won’t give up the fight!

We don’t wail when we fall on the floor
Cuz that’s what pads and helmets are for
Well we got bangs and we got bruises
But most of all it’s our talent that oozes
Skating in circles counter-clockwise
Five 40 girls got fire in their eyes
Take my hand and get a good grip
Cuz we’re on track to crack that whip.

We’ll make you say “Ho!” Make you say “Hey”
Blocking opponents every single day
We’ll make you say “Ho!” Make you say “Hey”
Rock the WFTDA
Track Name: Medusa's on the Loose/Thanks Matt and Claire
I know a woman who’s bad to the bone/She’s been roamin’ around my home.
Turning creatures into stone/ Medusa’s on the loose but I don’t know

I don’t think this con came from Crete/Wish I had winged shoes on my feet.
Time to vamoose/Medusa’s on the loose.

I saw a tortoise, a lion too/a big bullfrog, this cow don’t moo
Birds and beasts are in a stew/Medusa’s on the loose what do I do?

Be sure to break every mirror/My nemesis has never seen clearer
The hounds don’t howl/She’s on the prowl.

I know you think this might be fake/but the animals in our yard’s at stake.
I’ll get this hoe. I’ll get my rake./Medusa’s on the loose and I hate snakes
Better be sure to protect my organ/Do what I can to stop this gorgon
Got no excuse/Medusa’s on the loose.
Track Name: Luck That's Dumb/Happy Birthday Dave!
I live in a house of broken mirrors. It’s 700 years bad luck
The only times that problems arise are when the shards in my feet get stuck
Saw a black cat on the street yesterday. I chose to cross his path.
He choked to death on a big hairball while giving himself a bath

Voodoo dolls with the pins stickin’ in
Stabbing pains in my hand
Stepped on a crack and broke the only back
That keeps me a fortunate man

Fate and luck don’t stand a chance. I see a ladder, tip it over.
Someone falls down, that’s how it goes. I weedwhack four leaf clovers.
Don’t need no help. Don’t fare thee well. Better than a bagful of charms.
Lucky rabbit’s foot don’t do no good, but I’m pretty sure that it harms.

Voodoo dolls with the pins stickin’ in
Stabbing pains in my hand
Stepped on a crack and broke the only back
That keeps me a fortunate man
For lack of health, for lack of fun, can’t get by with luck that’s dumb.
Track Name: Gila Monster Flop/Music History Lesson: The Sonics
I’m a Gila Monster, baby/and you’re moving too fast.
Got short stubby arms/slapdashed orange and black
I don’t wanna fight you/I just wanna bite you
Die, die, the die is cast

Eating eggs, scrambled and fried/Nowhere those embryos can hide.
Everyday’s a hot one without fail/Storing fat inside of my tail.
Hiss Hiss, Gila Monster Flop

I’m a Gila Monster, honey/with a venomous mouth.
The tiniest of terrors/in the west of the south.
Living underground/Wicked hissing sound.
Without, without a doubt

Eating eggs, scrambled and fried/Nowhere those embryos can hide.
Everyday’s a hot one without fail/Storing fat inside of my tail.
Hiss Hiss, Gila Monster Flop

Please don’t let me be misunderstood.
I don’t live in Nosferatu’s neighborhood
Just a humble desert dweller. He’s frightened millions
When’s it such a crime just to be reptilian?

Hiss Hiss, Gila Monster Flop
Track Name: Tarantula Cake
Hangin’ out downtown Richmond ‘n’ chillin’
Hope for a meal that’s hunger killin’
Saw a shop that made cakes that were custom
When I told them my plea they were bustin
Just cuz I want dessert that’s arachnid
Doesn’t mean I’m crazy as a crackhead

Pre-chorus:
One part hairy
One part scary
One part I’m so culinary

Chorus:
I’m gonna need flour, eggs and venom
I don’t care how I get it. Just get ‘em
Mold eight legs, icing those fangs
Gonna get rid of my hunger pangs
Vicious and delicious the things that I bake
Get a load of my tarantula cake
Ooh ooh tarantula cake
Ooh ooh tarantula cake

Tryin’ my best to find the right concoction
The disembodied ghost of Julia Child’s watching
Best dessert portraying a tarantula
Too much molasses, whoops I can’t chew ya
Make it with cinnamon make it with cheese
Sure you can have seconds, just say please.

Ooh ooh tarantula cake
Ooh ooh tarantula cake

I gave my mom a slice
Said, “Eat this spider!”
It did more than suffice
It was delicious inside her.
Ooh ooh tarantula cake
Ooh ooh tarantula cake
Track Name: Teenager/Who took Latin?
I'm a teenager.
Track Name: Rockin' Roman
Before I could start countin’/sucked at a she-wolf’s teat.
Climbed the Apennine Mountains/with sandals on my feet
Threw a party with the Sabines/their ladies can’t be beat
I swam in the Tevi fountain/And life was oh so sweet

I’m a Rockin’ Roman of unlimited ends
Top-drawer togas of the latest trends
Let’s get Pagan/Let’s do it now
Put a horse in the senate/eat the brains of a cow
Spend all day/at a gladiator match
I’m a Rockin’ Roman/and I want a bloodbath

I fought some wars that were Punic/Carthage must be destroyed
Pushed our border to Munich/Barbarians in the void
Got some dust on my tunic/I was a tad annoyed
My best friend was a eunuch/had such a beautiful voice

I say stercus…..stercus accidit.
Track Name: Butterchops
People tell me my pussycat’s obese
But they never notice his shimmering fleece
Instead they ask for a piggy squeal
Make jabs like “Who ate Garfield?”
A kid once mistook him for a lion
I brought him home and he got his pie on

I’m fed up and my kitty’s well fed
Livin’ it up on his king sized bed
It’s a fancy feast
For a corpulent beast
And I never take him to the vet

Butterchops stop cuz you should know better
You’re lookin’ tabby cat tubby in that extra large sweater
Oh well fine, have some more cream
You’ll be famous with this Guinness book scheme
Gonna get an axe cuz your door’s too narrow
Gonna invest in the best wheelbarrow

Woo! You did it! Fifty L-B-S!
Showed all the fat cats who’s the best
Congratulations you are the winner
And you’re an extra delicious dinner!
Track Name: Ate A Pizza/Double New Vote
Ate a Pizza, Pepperoni. Lot’s of olives, mushrooms, peppers.
With a goblin. With a gremlin. With a munchkin. With a lawyer.
Ate a Pizza.

On a steamboat. On and airplane. On a spaceship. At the movies.
In a dumpster. In an hour. In a blender. In a stomach.
Ate a Pizza.

Too much pizza. Indigestion. Pepto Bismol. I am done now.
Ate a Pizza.
Track Name: Yeti-Bo-Betty/Liquor Break #2
Call me A-Bomb cuz that's what I do
got the body odor to vaporize you
Himalaya slayer with a heart so cold
devouring sherpas since the days of old
Hear my howl your stomach drops
feelin' weak in the knees, the shakin' don't stop
gaspin' for air and your palms feel sweaty
That's what ya get when ya face a yeti

Chorus:
Up on Everest the air is so thin
bet you think you're hallucinatin'
Bright white fur my roar is the rudest
coexisting on cliffs with a bunch of Buddhists
Snow leopard for breakfast
eat a climber for lunch
My favorite part's where their bones go crunch
all my victims wish they never met me
Thanks what ya get when ya get a yeti!

Make the other cryptids look so insipid
Sasquatch doesn't stand a chance to get with it
Top of the mountain, yeah, top of the list
Make Loch Ness look like a goldfish
call me a snowman, I'm about to attack
Frosty could never do this to a yak
Slip of the tongue, ya better get ready
'bout to get skull-punched by a yeti!

CHORUS

Twenty thousand feet, ya better not fall
I'm the nastiest nuisance in Tibet and Nepal
Sought by Tenzig Norgay and Edmund Hillary
They're great explorers but they couldn't catch me
Best they could find was a measly footprint
I don't wanna be found so you better take the hint.

CHORUS
Track Name: Gerbilicious/The Rectangle Pizza
Gonna be a gerbil when I grow up!
Gonna have a stash of pellets in a cup!
Gonna run on a gigantic wheel!
Gonna feel what a gerbil feels!

Cage full of bedding, running 'round at night
Never met a tunnel that I didn't like
Never trust a guinea pig and never trust a hamster
You're askin' me a question, I'm giving you an answer.

Gonna be a gerbil when I grow up!
Gonna have a stash of pellets in a cup!
Gonna run on a gigantic wheel!
Gonna feel what a gerbil feels!

Hangin' out with my gerbil friends
We roll six deep til the very end
Put me in a plastic pen, I'll gnaw right through it
It just might kill me, you've gone ahead and blew it.

Gonna be a gerbil when I grow up!
Gonna have a stash of pellets in a cup!
Gonna run on a gigantic wheel!
Gonna feel what a gerbil feels!

People ask why I chew so much I thought I should explain
I'm wearing down on my incisors so they don't stab my brain

Gonna be a gerbil when I grow up!
Gonna have a stash of pellets in a cup!
Gonna run on a gigantic wheel!
Gonna feel what a gerbil feels!

Gonna be a badass killing machine!
Gonna keep my cage shiny and clean!
Gonna tunnel deeper than Andy Dufresne!
Oops I think a tooth just pierced my brain!
Track Name: Sea Monster
Way down deep in the dark cold ocean/in the murky depths where there ain’t no light
Lives and evil beast with a thousand arms/he can chill your soul with a look in it’s eye.

Sailors beware.

A thousand arms, million teeth/ million dead men on his breath
When you see that beast on the haunted sea/know for sure everyone’s gonna die.

Sailors beware.

Slithery dee came out of the sea/ate all the others but didn’t eat me
Slithery dee came out of the sea/oh lucky me
Track Name: Ghost Baby - Junky Magician/It's over.
Ghost Baby, we met in the graveyard.
Ghost Baby, one shiver I fell hard.
Ghost Baby, walking through walls.
Ghost Baby, kicked me in the balls
Ghost Baby, why can’t I hold you?
Ghost Baby, mama never told you
Not to go around breaking young boys hearts
Mine’s a balloon. You’ve got a fistful of darts
Ghost Baby. Yeah Yeah Yeah
Ghost Baby. Yeah Yeah Yeah
Ghost Baby

Ghost Baby, I find you delightful
Ghost Baby, and oh so so frightful.
Ghost Baby, I’m mourning your death.
Ghost Baby, such cold breath.
Ghost Baby, was quite the spectre.
Ghost Baby, I’ll never forget her.
Wish we met when you was alive.
Such difference this love can’t survive.
Ghost Baby, oh oh oh
Ghost Baby, no no no
Ghost Baby

You had me at boo.

I don’t mind turning tricks
Not the ones at your son’s birthday party picnics
Cuz I’m just looking for my fix
I’m sorry if this makes you cringe
It’s a disappearing act with my syringe
Cuz I’ve got a wicked heroin binge

Don’t ask me for white rabbits/Cuz I’m only dealing horse
So easy to form a habit/Wave a wand ‘n’ mumble you’ve got a score
Got no love for science/Balls to fusion and fission
Tap your arm and abracadabra/You summoned Junkie Magician

Stole the stereo I took the TV
But my transaction needed no money
Alakazam It’s vein candy
high grade scag like black tar
tourniquets from nowhere, bizarre!
Next thing you know I’ve transformed my car


Be on the lookout for Junkie Magician/He steals merchandise and sells ‘em
Making his latest hits from nothing/At least that’s what he tells ‘em
Considered armed and dangerous/suffering from grand confusion
Last week he sawed a woman in half/was real, no illusion.